


The Physicist Bride

by zulu



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: 05-09, Crossover, Fusion, Harlequin Romance Challenge, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-09-17
Updated: 2005-09-17
Packaged: 2017-10-02 00:52:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zulu/pseuds/zulu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A classic tale of true love and high adventure.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Physicist Bride

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Harlequin Challenge on SGA Flashfic. Spoilers through "Runner". AU. September 17, 2005. Betas by daemonluna, troutkitty, and mockingspike.

**The Physicist Bride**

**Chapter One: The Physicist**

When Rodney McKay was born, the smartest person in the world was Dr. Albert Einstein, but he'd been riding the coattails of a single theorem for more than sixty years by then and was clearly over-hyped. By the time he was four, Rodney McKay could have (and did) explain to strangers on the street why E = mc-squared just wasn't the achievement everyone thought it to be. When Rodney McKay was an undergraduate, the smartest person in the world was Dr. Stephen Hawking, more by popular acclaim and high book sales than anything else. Rodney had been systematically demolishing all his theories for years, even before he knew about the Stargate and could do his demolishing with experiential data to back him up. When Rodney McKay was in Atlantis, the smartest person in the galaxy was, well, Rodney McKay, and he didn't let anyone forget it, not even the three biochemists who got amnesia from an Ancient PET scan device the first week they were there and had to be told who they were all over again every morning.

The two things that Rodney McKay loved to do more than anything else were studying Ancient technology and taunting the flyboy. Ever since he'd had the gene therapy, the Ancient technology usually did what he told it, which was all he asked for. The flyboy did what he told him too. Rodney gave him clearly detailed and comprehensive instructions, like "Touch this. Initialize it. Oh my God, not that, are you an intellectual _child_? Do you really want us to explode in a dozen equally unpleasant ways _at the same time_? The other thing, this, this, come on."

"Whatever you say, Rodney."

That was all he ever replied. "Sit in the control chair." "Whatever you say, Rodney." "Think about where we are in the solar system." "Whatever you say, Rodney." "Oh, shit, _shoot_ at them! Blow them up! Come on, you're military, you're supposed to _like_ taking bullets for me, a Wraith stunner isn't half so baaaaauuuuurgggh." "Whatever you say, Rodney."

Now Rodney was the smartest person in the whole galaxy--on a good day, it was more like two--but he had no idea that when the flyboy said, "Whatever you say, Rodney," what he really meant was, "I love you."

Then, one day, the Wraith laid siege to Atlantis, and the flyboy told Rodney that he was going to save them all by going out alone in a puddlejumper with a nuclear warhead that Rodney had built on three days without sleep and more amphetamines than you'd use to kick-start a horse, and before the flyboy could run out of the room, Rodney said, "You'd better fucking come back, John."

He'd never called the flyboy "John" before, and John turned to him. Rodney could feel the seconds counting down to certain death for the whole city, but John stayed, looking like a kicked puppy, and said, "I'm going."

Rodney could have ranted and raved about the kamikaze-minded military and the suicidal idiots who went in for hero work, but instead he gave into his exhaustion and stared at John helplessly and said, "I know. But come back."

"Whatever you say, Rodney," John said, and kissed him hard, once, before running to the jumper bay.

* * *

Elizabeth found him in the lab, afterwards. "He destroyed the Wraith hive ship."

Rodney nodded, still slumped over his knees. "He blew up the puddlejumper, didn't he?"

"It was the Wraith. They dematerialized him at the end."

"Oh," Rodney said. "I guess there's not much hope they signed the Geneva Convention since last week."

"No," Elizabeth said.

Rodney thought about fainting. He thought about sleep. He thought about lemon sherbet, then realized he was getting morbid. "I'll start the repairs," he said.

But he never loved again.

**Chapter Two: The Genii**

Minister Cowen was shaped like a barrel. He wasn't tall but he was the ruler of a group of humble farmers who had secreted away a nuclear bomb. Unfortunately, it wasn't working model.

His love was high-tech soldiery.

The Wraith would never let his planet survive if they knew about the guns, the cannons, the bazookas, and the hand grenades he and his people had been hoarding for centuries. So, to avoid that problem, his people had built a giant underground Bunker of Death. It was well-stocked to survive any invasion, holocaust, or armageddon. Minister Cowen was descended in a direct line from the man who'd designed it, so he was in charge, but he made Commander Kolya run it for him.

Acastus Kolya stored grain on the first level, trained soldiers on the second level, planned attacks on Wraith darts on the third level, and forced scientists to create superweapons on the fourth level.

On the fifth level lived Steve. The Atlanteans thought he was dead, but the Genii had revived him and fed him farmers who _so_ weren't in on the whole secret military thing. It wasn't much, but it was enough to keep him alive, and very, very spiteful.

Cowen was marching around in his super-secret military outfit, which didn't flatter him half as much as he thought it did, when Commander Kolya interrupted. "Colonel Sheppard is dead!"

"Good," said Cowen. "That means it's time to implement my plan."

* * *

**Chapter Three: The Hostage-Taking**

There was a long period after John's disappearance that Rodney didn't really remember, a time of frantic work to hide the city and make the Wraith think they'd won. And afterwards Carson sedated him for days, until he caught up on all the hours of sleep he'd missed. For weeks, he stumbled around in a daze, not even able to yell any fitting insults at the incompetents who'd had charge of the labs while he was away.

So when the Genii stormed through the gate with a stolen IDC, Rodney wasn't feeling up to being his usual perky hostage self.

"You will complete our weapon," Kolya told him. "If you resist, I kill your friends one by one."

"Why would I resist?" Rodney said. "You're stupidly insistent that this bomb plan of yours will scour the Wraith off the face of the galaxy. You won't be our allies, you kill us when you find us, and you don't believe us when we say that, oh, right, we've already _tried_ the nuclear approach and it just _doesn't work_. I will never believe that you bunch of _morons_ ever reached this technological level on your own, because your brains would overload if you even tried."

"Belief?" Kolya said. "I never mentioned belief." He raised his gun so that its barrel rested against Rodney's temple.

"No, no, you didn't," Rodney admitted. "I guess I'm building you a bomb."

What with one thing and another, Rodney found some weapons-grade plutonium.

**Chapter Five: The Announcement**

He saw his first sunlight three months later, when Kolya dragged him aboveground for a harvest festival.

Rodney squinted and scowled. "This is cruel and unusual punishment. The engineering nightmares are one thing, but fertility rituals? Ceremonial seed-sowing? You realize, you're basing your entire hopes for a good crop yield on something even more primitive than voodoo."

"Please, Dr. McKay. Our success is your success. Enjoy yourself."

Rodney snorted. "More like my success is my eternal incarceration and your, and I use the word loosely, culture's destruction." He looked around the peaceful, agrarian village. At least three of the jovial young swains were soldiers keeping an eye on him. There wouldn't be a chance to run.

Kolya held his upper arm in a crushing grip and pulled him to a stop when Minister Cowen stepped up onto a platform. "Rejoice," he said. "In a few months' time, we will have the weapon we have long sought to destroy the Wraith."

Cheers broke out all through the village square.

Far above, in a cloaked puddlejumper, a man dressed all in black watched the ceremony, and his eyes flashed dangerous and dark.

* * *

The party waxed to dangerous levels after that. Rodney snatched a flagon of hearty, humble ale, sneered at his guards, and parked himself on an out-of-the-way bench where he could pity himself in peace.

The next thing he knew, he was being hauled along in a fireman's carry, his head pounding and his stomach protesting. "Whuh?" he said.

"I believe he is awake," said a female voice.

"It's too soon," someone whined, and Rodney's headache immediately got worse.

"Kavanagh?" he asked.

"Seems awake anyway," came a bass rumble from somewhere near Rodney's nose. He was jolted around, footsteps drummed on metal, and then they were aboard and a door was closing between them and the Genii homeworld.

"Hit him," Kavanagh suggested. "I have a jumper to fly."

"I'm busy," came the growling voice. "He's wiggling."

"Oh great," Rodney said, still upside down and not pleased about it. "Kidnapped from my kidnappers by _Kavanagh_. Why can I already tell that this isn't going to end well? Oh, yeah, because I'm smarter than the average three-year-old."

"Shut up, McKay," Kavanagh snarled. His gene wasn't particularly powerful, and the flight was already jerky, like they'd been caught in a bad spot of turbulence.

His head still dangling near someone's kidneys, Rodney demanded, "Where are you taking me?"

"We are here to rescue you," the woman said.

Rodney's heart jumped. "Teyla?"

"Yes, McKay," she said from the co-pilot's seat. "The Genii were most insistent that you had died already, or we would have come sooner."

"I wouldn't have," Kavanagh muttered. The puddlejumper jerked and shuddered under his touch.

Rodney was thrown down on the bench at the back of the cabin. He blinked away his dizziness and recognised Ronon looming above him. Ronon didn't greet him or give him so much as an acknowledging nod. "There is someone following us," he said.

"Inconceivable," Kavanagh said. "The jumper is cloaked."

"Okay," Ronon said agreeably. "The life-signs detector is wrong."

Rodney scrambled to his feet, weaving as a bout of dizziness hit him. "We're being followed? By who? The Genii? The Wraith?"

"We're not being followed," Kavanagh said tightly.

Rodney pushed past him and glared at the consoles. "It's another puddlejumper," he said. "Only a person with the ATA gene could be following a cloaked ship."

"I'm going to land," Kavanagh said.

"I think someone who can follow a jumper in stealth mode can track four people on the ground, Kavanagh," Rodney said.

"Three people," Kavanagh said. "Teyla will stay behind."

**TEYLA**

In the highlands of Athosia there once lived a honourable and gentle people. They were led by a man both wise and strong, Tegan Emmagen. He was a skilled hunter and a master of the sticks, and he guided his people in the ways of peace. Then, one terrible day, he was killed by a large-nosed man, on a far-distant planet during a routine trading mission gone horribly wrong.

His daughter, Teyla Emmagen, easily took the reins of power, but she never forgot the large-nosed man. She searched for him each time she led her people through the ring of the Ancestors, and she vowed that he would die by her hand. For years, she studied the ancient and venerable art of stick-fighting, until she could best all the masters who came against her. Ten years passed, and Teyla's ability with her sticks earned her the rank of Wizard; but still, there was no sign of the large-nosed man. Still she practiced, and polished her sticks, and grew strong; and she was confident that her sticks would best the large-nosed man when she found him.

What Teyla didn't realize is that no matter how good a human is with a couple of sticks, on other planets they have stun guns and flash bombs. Plus, the Wraith have those life-sucking hands, and they were just fine with the fact that people are food, not friends.

* * *

Teyla waited as the second ship landed, her sticks held ready. A man in black stepped out of the jumper. His boots were black leather, his pants were _tight_ black leather, his shirt was black silk that flowed and rippled. His mask was black. And, in all probability, it was leather too.

He was also holding traditional Athosian fighting sticks. "So," he drawled, in a voice she found maddeningly familiar. "You're here to stop me."

"I do not wish to injure you," Teyla said. Already her sticks were in her hands. She was wary, but confident, knowing that no off-worlder had yet learned of the power she wielded. "Only to discover your purpose in following my friends and me."

The man in black paused and tilted his head to study her slowly. "I have a little grudge to settle with your hostage."

"Then I must stop you." Teyla hefted her sticks, twirling one idly.

The man in black matched her moves, circling her slightly as he adjusted his grip. "Is this going to be a real fight?" he asked.

"There is something you should know if you wish to fight me." Teyla raised an eyebrow calmly. "I have the rank of wizard."

With no more warning than that, she attacked. She feinted, twirled, whacked, sliding through her moves as easily as a person stepped between worlds in the Ancestral Rings. She had no doubt that the man in black would fall before her onslaught.

But the man in black countered her! He used the Halling defence, the Carron riposte, the Jinto parry. Every move she made, he anticipated. Teyla attacked even more furiously, but the man in black drove her back.

"Who are you?" she cried. "Who taught you? I must know."

"You're just gonna have to learn to live with the mystery," the man in black said. And then it was he who was on the attack.

Still, no matter how masterful he was, Teyla was a wizard; and the man in black's sticks could not touch her. Again and again he forced her back, and again and again she drove him to the defensive.

They were both panting, their sticks a blur, when the man in black said, "There's something you need to know, too, if this is gonna be a real fight."

"What is that?" Teyla asked.

"I," drawled the man in black, ducking away from her swing, "do, in fact, have a gun."

Then he grabbed a Wraith stunner out of his holster and shot her.

**RONON**

Ronon Dex was big. Really big. Really, truly, mind-bogglingly big. You wouldn't believe how big this guy was. And he was brawny in proportion, and plus, he had this massive gun that was super-cool. Kel had sent him against ten or more Wraith at a time, and Ronon had always held his ground. He'd been a runner for seven years, living on the edge of a dozen different deaths, and he'd survived. To be succinct about the whole thing, there probably wasn't a stronger man in the galaxy, and he was waiting when the man in black tracked him down.

When the man in black was fifty meters away, Ronon fired his large, shiny gun and blew a two-foot crater right at his feet.

"Did that on purpose," he said.

"No kidding," said the man in black. "I can see how you'd distract a lot of people that way."

"Uh-huh," Ronon grunted. "You want to fight?"

"Not really," said the man in black, "but I will if I have to. I've got one thing to say first, though."

Ronon shrugged and started forward. He wasn't going to wait for any fancy speeches.

"Stand down, Ronon."

Ronon backed off and stood at attention. "What?"

"You heard me. I _order_ you to stand down."

Ronon blinked. Then he blinked again. Then he holstered his gun and said, "Okay."

"Okay?" asked the man in black, and for a moment he seemed almost taken aback. Then he said, "All right then." He slipped past Ronon, hot on the trail of his prey.

* * *

Kavanagh sat on a rock on a windswept hill. Rodney sat beside him, bitching about universal constants, like his status as a hostage and Kavanagh's stupidity. Kavanagh's mouth was pursed like he'd just eaten a lemon, and Rodney diverged onto a tangent that if that were the case, then it was just sad that it wasn't Kavanagh who had the deathly allergy.

The man in black appeared below them.

"Inconceivable," Kavanagh said.

"Stop saying that word," Rodney said. "It obviously doesn't mean what you think it means. Oh, God, we're going to die. You could have escaped in the jumper, but no, we had to walk to the Stargate. I can't believe Elizabeth sent _you_ to rescue me. I mean, doesn't she consider my feelings at all? Teyla and Ronon, all right, fine, and even Major Lorne I could handle. Beckett could have rescued me! But you--?"

"I'll report your intransigence to the SGC," Kavanagh said.

"Oh, go right ahead, after this glorified pirate kills us both."

The glorified pirate in question was closer now, almost upon them. "Stop right there," Kavanagh said. "I have a gun."

The man in black tucked his hands into his belt, and stood lazily, as if he was leaning against some invisible doorframe. "That worries me, Kavanagh, it seriously does."

"How do you know my name?"

A diffident shrug. "I have my ways. Now, give me the scientist and I'll let you go."

"Me?" Rodney whined. "Always a hostage, never a hostage-taker. I'm just not ruthless enough."

"He could very well have meant me," Kavanagh said. "I'm a scientist."

"Like Batman is a scientist?" Rodney said. "Excuse me, but in _my_ lab we respect the laws of thermodynamics."

"I meant McKay," the man in black said. "If you won't hand him over, I challenge you to a duel of wits."

"For McKay?" Kavanagh sputtered. "I might lose on purpose."

Rodney shook his head in absent condescension. "Nice rationalization."

But Kavanagh had already hit on his own personal solution. "If you're--unfortunately--lost, somehow, I could become head scientist. Dr. Weir wouldn't dare block my promotion after I told her how I'd selflessly tried to rescue you from a pirate."

"Right. And she'd believe that, because she's just so blind to human nature," Rodney said with as much arrogance as he could muster, but he was worried now, and he glanced from the man in black to Kavanagh and back again. Kavanagh's glassy smile wasn't reassuring--but neither was the obscene amount of weaponry that the man in black was carrying.

The man in black cleared his throat. "Um, battle of wits? I'd like to get on that sooner rather than later."

"Fine," Kavanagh said. "What do you propose?"

"Well, of course, first I'll have to verify that you really were sent to rescue Dr. McKay." The man in black ticked off points on his black-leather-gloved fingers. "Do you have Dr. Weir's orders, countersigned by Major Lorne? Do you have your Stargate off-world authorization, complete with three commanding team-members' IDCs? Your puddlejumper pilot's license, affirmed and avowed and notarized, along with your genetic profile showing that you do, in fact, have the ATA gene, and Dr. Beckett's confirmation thereof?"

Kavanagh dug through his pockets, pulling out document after document, all of them affixed with seals and decorated with bits of red tape. Smugly, he held them up for the man in black's inspection. "And now the battle?" he asked.

The man in black shook his head, making little tsk-tsk noises. "Now, Dr. Kavanagh, do you have those signed in triplicate?"

Kavanagh's eyes bulged. He gaped like a landed fish, but no sound emerged. Frantically, he started through the documents, one after the other, completely forgetting about Rodney and the man in black.

"I thought not," the man in black said. He grabbed Rodney's arm, hauling him to his feet. "You're mine now, McKay."

Rodney opened his mouth, but the man in black said, "Don't even try," and then they were running across the moors.

Rodney was out of breath almost immediately, but somehow that didn't stop him from gasping out, "The Genii are still going to find us!"

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" the man in black said. "Get back to your secret underground lair, playing Oppenheimer?"

"I wasn't--"

"Like I said, don't try. You're helping them to save yourself."

"Who _are_ you?" Rodney demanded. "What possible business of it of yours how I spend my precious time _still alive_ rather than as a filleted corpse somewhere?"

The man in black wrenched them to a halt. "Believe me, McKay, it is my business. And I'm pretty damn pissed." They were standing on a high ridge, with a gully on one side and the Genii village visible over the distant trees on the other. From that direction came the sound hoofbeats drumming on the moor. Kolya wasn't giving up on his A-bomb easily.

The Stargate was further along, and Rodney knew that if he could just reach it, he would finally be safe. Or, at least, as safe as he could be on Atlantis with the Wraith still an ever-present threat. At this moment, it seemed preferable to being a third-time hostage to the man in black.

"One little siege and you run away, McKay! I thought you were better than that!"

"I _am_ better than that! Did the whole hostage thing escape your undoubtedly brief attention span? We lost our military commander, they got into the city, we--"

"Oh, yeah? You lose one guy and you turn your back on Atlantis?"

"I did not 'lose one guy', I lost more than you'll ever know, and I'll be damned if I need you either." And with that, Rodney shoved the man in black over the cliff's edge.

He turned away, but words followed him: "Whatever...you...say...Rodney..."

"Oh my God, John!" Rodney leaped to the edge of the precipice. The man in black was tumbling down the hill, head over heels. "That is the stupidest back-from-the-dead reunion scene I have ever experienced!" Rodney yelled down the gorge. "And so completely _typical_, I should have known it was you!" With that, he sighed, rolled his eyes at the universe, and threw himself after John Sheppard.

* * *

At this point, it is the author's intention to completely skip over what happened at the bottom of the gorge (a) for time restrictions, and (b) because this story is already unwieldy at it current length. However, she will note, in fairness to all, that (1) the reunion scene was both passionate and snarky; (2) there was more than one rough, demanding kiss up against a rock wall; (3) John explained to Rodney in detail exactly how he'd managed to escape from the Wraith, get back to his puddlejumper, and track Rodney to the Genii homeworld, while Rodney finally realized that John's MENSA qualifications weren't a fluke; and (4) afterwards, they made it through the Genii Fire Swamp, despite the snow sand and the W.S.O.U.S. (Wraith Spiders Of Unusual Size).

* * *

When they got out of the Fire Swamp, there were several things between them and the Stargate, namely ten meters of open space and the entire Genii militia, all armed to the teeth.

"I accept your surrender," Kolya said, smirking slightly.

"Nobody is surrendering," John said, annoyed.

"Oh, come, Colonel, I credit you with bravery, but there is no need to be foolhardy." Kolya gestured some of his soldiers forward to take John's weapons. "Surrender."

John's jaw jutted out. "_Death first_."

"...will you send him back to Atlantis?" Rodney asked.

"Pardon, Dr. McKay?" Kolya said.

"What the _hell_, Rodney?" John said.

"If we surrender, will you send Colonel Sheppard through the Stargate? Unharmed?"

John whirled on him murderously. "You'd rather live as a hostage--"

Rodney waved away his rage. "Than have both of us die right here, right now? Um, strangely, yes, I prefer living, I know it's a strange concept to you, since you think the lemming is the greatest mascot since the Permian extinction, but--"

Kolya stepped between them. "I accept your terms. I swear I will not hurt the colonel." He snapped his fingers at two officers, who immediately started manhandling Rodney back towards the Bunker of Death.

Minister Cowen took Kolya aside as they watched Colonel Sheppard struggle against the five soldiers trying to restrain him. "I'm surprised you made that vow," he said. "Are you truly not going to hurt him?"

"Of course not. I gave my word." Kolya paused, smiling coldly. "No. _I_ will not hurt him. Bring him to the fifth level of the bunker. His old acquaintance, Steve, will be pleased to see him again."

**Chapter Six: The Wraith**

When John awoke, he was caged deep underground. All his injuries from wrestling with more than his share of Genii soldiers had been treated; there was a tray of food next to his narrow bunk. On one side, he could look through thick iron bars across a cavernous space that he recognised as the Genii's underground bunker.

On the other side, paler than death and leering at him hungrily, was Steve.

John closed his eyes. It wouldn't be long before the torture started and he had to be ready for it. He'd seen Colonel Sumner destroyed under the touch of a female Wraith, and he'd seen the hollow, shrunken corpse that was all that was left behind. He must not break. No matter what Kolya or Cowen asked, or demanded, he had to find a place inside where he could be still, his mind as perfectly contained as when he sat in Atlantis' control chair. It didn't matter how badly he was hurt. If he had enough time, he could defeat even pain.

It turned out that they gave him enough time.

But they broke him anyway.

* * *

The bomb was ready only days later, and of course Rodney had to watch as Minister Cowen deployed it.

They didn't use it against the Wraith. They sent it against Atlantis.

Kolya's hand-picked squad of commandos didn't try anything fancy this time. They dialled Atlantis with promises of his return and when the shield was down they sent the bomb through; and no one could stop a countdown that Rodney had engineered, and the whole city was burning before he could even bow his head or look away.

Kolya ordered his men through the gate, afterwards. They were going to take Atlantis, and its weapons, and not one of them cared if they had to walk through a thousand rads to get them.

"You're going to die of radiation poisoning, you're all going to die, don't you fucking get it, you'll die!" Rodney screamed, but they ripped him away and flung him into a cage, and Atlantis was gone, Elizabeth was gone, every scientist, every marine, every Athosian who'd trusted them, they were _gone_, he was _alone_, and he would never ever ever get home...

Rodney woke up panting. He was in his room, safe, and there was still a week before he'd have to invent another way to stall the work on the bomb.

But the nightmares had begun.

* * *

The next morning he refused to work until they brought him to Acastus Kolya.

Rodney folded his arms and lifted his chin. "No," he said.

"No?" Kolya enquired, in the sort of way Rodney knew sent minions scurrying.

"No," he repeated, and ignored the tiny break in his voice.

"Please, Dr. McKay, my time is limited. Explain yourself."

"No," Rodney said, "no, I'm not going to cooperate. Colonel Sheppard is alive, and he'll probably burst in here at any moment, with more guns than Teyla could shake a stick at. I made a mistake, and I know what you're thinking, this is the guy we've given all our nuclear test files to, but it's not that kind of mistake. It was Colonel Sheppard. He's not as moronic as any of us think, and he'll get here sooner or later. So no. I'm not going to finish your damn bomb. And you can kill me, or you can--"

"No, no," Kolya said, "you don't need to elaborate. Killing you is fine."

"Oh--well, I had some other suggestions--" Rodney cleared his throat, then straightened his back. "But, just killing, okay. I'm sure I'll still get rescued. John's timing is ridiculous like that."

Kolya shook his head sadly. "Are you? Certain?"

"Well..." Rodney glanced at the guards behind him, at the thick stone walls, and he knew his spine was crumbling, but he pressed on, "well, um--"

"After you betrayed him," Kolya said. "After you turned him over to your enemies to save your own small, petty life. Perhaps the colonel is not so forgiving as you seem to think."

Rodney slumped. It was probably true. Yes, maybe there'd been something between him and John on Atlantis, and maybe John had survived incredible odds just to come back and yell at him; but maybe that's all it was, and now he'd lost his chance forever. Who'd bother rescuing him a second time, when the first attempt had ended so disastrously? Only a moron. And John wasn't one, no matter how passable his imitation was at times.

Rodney tightened his lips, and when his guards dragged him back to the lab, he started working for real.

* * *

That night, they began to torture John. Little by little, Kolya wound a winch that moved the wall of bars between his cell and Steve's. "Believe me, Colonel Sheppard," he said, "by the time we're done here, you'll crawl when I say crawl."

Steve grinned like a shark, his feeding hand already extended between the bars, walking forward. John put his back to the wall and waited: there was nothing else he could do.

He closed his eyes and tried to take his brain away. He imagined that he was in a puddlejumper, on some planet where they'd never heard of the Wraith, and he was flying; flying, with Rodney bitching at him from the co-pilot's seat, flying--

\--and then his world exploded, because the Wraith's fingers burrowed into him, and they were everywhere, the nails like razors digging into his sternum, past his ribs, so deep into his chest and he'd thought it would be like acid, like fire, but the pain was the cold pain of adrenaline that stopped his heart, stopped it in agony, ripped him to the bone and sucked the marrow from him; ate life, ate force, until his body was shattered and John was breaking right along with it.

* * *

Teyla found Ronon in the mess hall, absently picking through his bowl of stew with his fingers. "We must go back," she said.

"Uh-huh," Ronon said, hooking a particularly tasty bit of gristle into his mouth. "Back where?"

Teyla shook her head. "I do not know. It was a simple matter to find Dr. McKay when he was in the Genii village. Now, they will be watching for us."

"Then how?" Ronon asked. He licked up the last of his gravy, checked the charge on his gun, and touched the sword-hilt behind his shoulder. He stood up, and together, they started for the gate room.

"Again, I do not know," Teyla said. "If we only had the help of the man in black, then I am certain we could rescue Dr. McKay. Yet I sense that there is a way. While we were on the planet, I believed I felt the presence of the Wraith. I cannot imagine that the Genii do not know of it, so if we find it--"

"We'll find them," Ronon said.

* * *

They heard the scream the moment they set foot through the Stargate.

"I don't like that sound," Ronon said.

"Ronon," Teyla said, "that is the sound of ultimate suffering. I know that sound. It is the sound my heart made when my father was killed by the large-nosed man. It is the sound that the man in black makes now."

"You sure?"

Teyla nodded, her eyes narrowing. "I am certain. I know that voice."

Ronon didn't wait to be told twice. He took off running, directly through the Genii village. The seemingly-humble farmers shouted and tried to block his path, but Ronon bowled them over like they weren't even there. Teyla followed in his wake. She knew that Ronon's hearing was nearly perfect, and he was tracking down the scream that still lingered in the air.

They were deep in the forest when the scream ended. There was no sign of the man in black, or of Rodney McKay. Ronon paused, peering through the trees, and Teyla stood beside him, trying to feel her way to the place the scream had come from.

"Look at that," Ronon said, finally, pointing through the trees. There was an abandoned barn about a hundred yards away, half-covered in vines and young trees.

The trapdoor they found inside, however, was shiny metal and modern. There was no way they could blast through it, or force it, because it was both strong and thick.

Fortunately, someone had forgotten to leave it locked.

**Chapter Seven: The Miracle-Man**

John lay dead in his cell.

"Dead," Ronon said, feeling for a pulse on John's old and withered neck. Steve was dead too--Ronon shot him almost sooner than he'd entered the fifth level of the bunker.

"I do not accept this," Teyla said. "We have come too far, Ronon, and we have fought too much. And I _do not accept this_."

"He's still dead," Ronon said. He stood up.

"No," Teyla said. "Bring the body." She frowned, then said, "Do you have any coffee rations?"

"Some," Ronon said. "I don't like the taste of the stuff."

Teyla nodded. "Well," she said, "I only hope they are enough to buy a miracle."

* * *

When the knocking started on the lab door, Zelenka nearly did not answer it. "Go away," he nearly said, because lately it had been Dr. Weir coming down to plead with him to take the head scientist position. He could not, because Rodney must still be alive somewhere, so he had stopped answering.

But the knocking kept going. When Zelenka looked up and saw that it was Teyla and Ronon, he opened the door. "What is it?" he asked. "What is the problem now?"

Ronon pushed past him and lay John Sheppard's body on the nearest desk, sweeping aside laptops and printouts and Ancient devices to make room.

"Oh, dear," Zelenka said.

"Fix him," Ronon said.

"Are you crazy?" Zelenka asked. "He is drained by the Wraith! That is not only dead, that is _worse_ than dead. Strangely, his hair still has life all its own." He poked and prodded at John's body. "Why would he want to come back?"

As he asked that question, he pushed down on John's chest. Air moved passed his lips, and John said, "troooooo...luv..."

"True love?" Teyla asked. "That is certainly worthwhile."

Zelenka shook his head. "No, no, I am quite sure the colonel said, 'blow it up'. Clearly he is still feeling murderous or else all this time he wishes he had started a demolitions company back on Earth. I cannot help."

"Please, Dr. Zelenka," Teyla said, placing a hand on his arm. "We need him in order to rescue Dr. McKay."

"Rodney does not appreciate the lengths I go to for him." Zelenka sighed. "I would try, my friends, but there is nothing. No treatment." He took off his glasses and swiped absently at his eyes. "And I am already tired today. I wish I had known I needed to perform miracles today, I would have slept later."

"We have coffee," Ronon said. "Copi luak coffee."

Zelenka raised his eyebrows. "Hmm. Interesting. Get me my laptop, that Ancient device over there--no, no, the other--yes--and Dr. Beckett." He shook his head and sighed. "How long do I need for this miracle to work?"

"That is hard to predict," Teyla said, clearing a space for Zelenka between the laptops, papers, and old powerbar wrappers. "Because the first thing we must do is storm the Genii bunker, and one can never be certain how well these things will go."

Zelenka sat down heavily. "You need a fighting corpse. This is not a miracle, you need a fantasmagoria." He sighed and got to work again. "But you never could have bought one of those without offering chocolate."

* * *

"That's it?" Ronon asked, when Zelenka deposited the miracle pill in his hand.

"Yes, yes, that is all," Zelenka said. "What do you expect? Science should not allow this, yet Dr. Beckett and I have done it, so what should it look like? Dancing angels on a pin-head?"

"It looks like a ball of meat," Ronon said.

Zelenka looked to the ceiling for patience from a so-far not-so-helpful God. "When in actuality it is a dozen tiny fragments of Ancient medical technology that I have networked together and wrapped in turkey," he said. "Get him to swallow it and he will wake up. Theoretically."

"Theoretically," Ronon repeated. He nodded, shrugged, and lifted John to his shoulder. "Great. Let's go."

When they were back on the Genii homeworld, near enough to the village that they could watch the faux-innocent peasants tilling their fields, Ronon set John down. Teyla crouched beside him, keeping an eye on the town. "Can you get him to swallow it?" she asked.

"No problem," Ronon said, already shoving the meat-ball down John's throat. "Wonder how long it takes to work?"

"That's the worst turkey sandwich I've ever had," came a slurred drawl from between them. "Is there any beer?"

"Colonel Sheppard, you are alive!" Teyla smiled down at him and patted his arm.

John's eyes moved slowly towards her. "That's pretty obvious," he said. "Why won't my arms move?"

"You've been mostly dead all day," Ronon said.

"Oh." John thought about this for a while. "Last thing I remember is dying," he said. "I wouldn't recommend it. Are we here to rescue Rodney? What are our liabilities?"

Teyla took another glance at the peaceful village. Their presence hadn't been noticed--yet. "They may have learned to lock the bunker by now, and there are a hundred Genii soldiers between us and it."

"Hmm. I think I just wiggled my toes. And our strengths?"

"Your brains, my sticks, Ronon's gun," Teyla told him.

"That's all? That's it? Everything? The grand total?" John pouted manfully.

"You can move your ears," Ronon said.

"Oh, well then, this is going to be a total piece of cake; I'll just wiggle my ears at them and we're in."

Ronon nodded as if any power of John's cartilege wouldn't surprise him. Teyla's patient, amused smile grew strained.

"I'm going to need my P90," John said.

"Why? You can't lift it," Ronon said.

"But they don't know that," John said. "If only we had Steve's body," he muttered.

"I can get it," Ronon said. He waved at a patch of brush to their right. "I dumped it over there."

"Well, why didn't you _say_ so in the _first_ place?" John shook his head, and was immediately cheered by the fact that he could. "All right then. Here's the plan."

* * *

Rodney hummed as he worked. He'd stopped trying to stall the making of the nuclear bomb--he'd finally realized there was no point. Since John had the annoying habit of breaking in at the very last possible moment to rescue him, then, logically, he had to speed the production as much as possible, so that the 'very last possible moment' arrived sooner rather than later.

"Brilliant," he congratulated himself, when he welded the last connection on the bomb's casing, and he heard a ruckus start far above him. "Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant."

John would be here any time now.

Any time...now.

* * *

It was not, in point of fact, John who was leading the rescue. He could barely stand, and so it was Teyla and Ronon who were using Steve's body like a giant marionette, twirling him around and waving his clawed hands at any Genii who came too close.

Screams rang through the village as the pseudofarmers scattered. "The Wraith are coming! There will be no survivors!" Teyla yelled, while Ronon made Steve dance in the light of a dozen bonfires that he'd started with his gun. John tried to make sounds like an incoming Wraith dart, but only managed to sound like a sick dustbuster.

"No survivors! No survivors!"

The militia, as all nameless militias do, panicked and ran.

**Chapter Eight: The Detonation**

At T-minus five minutes, Rodney was standing in front of the Genii high priest, listening to him babble.

"Enahgee," said the Genii high priest. "Atwomic enahgee is a dweam wiffin a dweam."

Minister Cowen fidgeted as the high priest droned on. The nuclear bomb could not be properly blown up until it had been blessed, but the ceremony was dragging on and was still worried--even if Kolya didn't seem to be--that their dead prisoner and their Wraith had both disappeared from the fifth level of the Bunker of Death.

"When ahn atwom is spwit, weweasing kiwotonnes of enahgee, the Waif wiw be destwoyed..."

Screams could be heard from outside the chapel. "Get to the countdown," Cowen hissed. "The countdown! Say 'three-two-one.' Say _that_."

"I am not thewe yet," the high priest said.

"You just arrived," Cowen said. "Now."

"Thwee, twoo, one," said the high priest. "Detwonate."

"Thank you, Holiness." Cowen whirled towards Kolya. "Find out what's going on. I'll take Dr. McKay with me."

* * *

It took a full minute for Commander Kolya to reach the gate, and when he did, he couldn't believe his eyes. He had seen John Sheppard dead. He had seen the aged, decrepit husk that had been all that was left. But here he was--not only alive, and young again, but spraying the entire village with rounds from his P90. With him was a giant and an Athosian woman he vaguely remembered from trading missions, her sticks whirling as she fought.

One of those whirls brought her face-to-face with Kolya. For a moment, she seemed frozen, her eyes wide...and then she said: "Hello. My name is Teyla Emmagen. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

And in reply, Kolya did a genuinely remarkable and unexpected thing: he turned and ran.

It was T-minus four minutes and counting.

* * *

Teyla was startled by Commander Kolya's cowardice at T-minus four minutes, but she immediately gave chase. Still, Kolya managed to make it through a door, and, wonder of wonders, actually lock it. "Ronon!" she called. "Ronon, break it down!"

But Ronon was with John. "My orders were to protect Sheppard," he rumbled.

"Sometimes," Teyla said, "what _needs_ to be done is even more important than your orders. Ronon, he is getting away!"

So Ronon left John. "Okay then." He stalked over to where Teyla was standing, took one look at the door, and shot it. A sizzling, scorched hole in the wall was all that remained.

"Thank you," Teyla said. She knew that within moments, a revenge she had waited more than a decade for would be hers. "Now you may go back to Colonel Sheppard."

But when Ronon got back, John was gone.

* * *

At T-minus four minutes, John started crawling. His entire body was aflame. His hands and knees burned against the ground as he dragged himself forward, one inch at a time. Being mostly dead, he decided, sucked big time. He paused. He rested. He tried to decide whether he'd choose Darren Flutie or Alan Pitts as his wide receiver in a game of fantasy football. And then he started crawling again.

By T-minus three minutes, Rodney felt quite sure he would be dead. After everything, John still hadn't come, and the priest had started the detonation sequence on the bomb.

He'd been left in Minister Cowen's office, and there was a display of Genii knives on the wall. He took down the one that looked sharpest. There was no way in hell he was going to linger around to die of radiation poisoning--it had probably already started--so a little bit of blood and pain was probably the better way to go. He placed the tip of the knife right above his heart.

"There are always too few perfect nipples in the world, it would be a shame to unperk yours," he heard. And there was John, sprawled in a chair in the corner. It was T-minus two minutes, and Rodney knew he would never die.

* * *

Teyla had no idea that Kolya had a Genii throwing knife in his boot, or that he was an expert with it. It was T-minus one minute and forty-five seconds before she cornered him. "Hello," she was about to say. "My name is Teyla Emmagen; you killed my father; prepare to die." What she actually got out was, "Hello, my name is Tey--"

And then the dagger cut through her insides. The loss of blood weakened her so much she could barely stand. "Father..." she whispered, and there she was, at T-minus one minute and thirty seconds, lost on her knees...

* * *

Rodney was baffled by John's behaviour. That wasn't very strange; in fact, it was the usual state of things, but this time John was being even more stupidly suicidal than usual. Instead of running hell-bent for the Stargate, he seemed content to sprawl in Cowen's office. Even his sprawl was lazier than usual--it was like he didn't have any bones at all.

Rodney slammed his lips on to John's and kissed every moment of his own personal torture away.

"Rodney, back off a second," John said.

"What? Back off? At a time like this, that's all you can say? _Back off_? Have you been hit upside the head recently? Let's _go_, John, let's round up the troops and get _out_ of here, and when we get back on Atlantis I am going to sleep, I am going to eat, I am going to have Carson examine me down to the last hangnail and give me the really good drugs, and somewhere in there I am going to fuck you into a mattress; and with motivation like that we should already be at the Stargate." He paused and thought about it. "Plus I think there's going to be a nuclear explosion in these parts in about, oh, a minute and fifteen seconds."

"Did an atom split, Rodney?"

"Well, the priest said 'three, two, one'--" Rodney paused. "Of course, about three weeks ago I replaced the weapons-grade plutonium with that gel you find inside glowsticks. This is just my usual overthetop panic attack. Give me a powerbar, I'm sure I'll be fine."

"I thought as much. If an atom wasn't split, then the nuclear reaction's not going to happen--isn't that right, Minister Cowen?" And now his voice was stronger and he was talking to the leader of the Genii, who stood in his office doorway.

Cowen lifted his gun. "To the death," he said.

"No," John corrected. "To the pain."

It was an odd phrase and it brought Minister Cowen up short. "I don't think I quite understand that."

John slouched deeper into the office chair. "Don't worry," he said, "I'd be only too happy to explain..." And slowly, carefully, he began to talk.

* * *

Teyla was talking as well. "I am...sorry...Father..." she whispered. Her sticks were on the floor in front of her; her hand was pressing against the gaping hole in her abdomen. Already she had torn strips from her skirt to bandage it, and she was beginning to think that the midriff-baring halter top she'd worn wasn't really suitable as body armour.

"This is simply incredible," Kolya said. "Have you been chasing me all these years--while all along, the Athosians were our trading partners? I think that's the worst thing I've ever heard. How marvellous."

Teyla could say nothing. She forced herself to her feet; she tightened her blood-slick hands on the handles of her sticks. "Hello," she said. "My name is Teyla Emmagen. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Kolya stuck at her, but this time Teyla's sticks were ready and she deflected the hit. "Hello," she said. "My name is Teyla Emmagen. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

And when next Kolya came against her, Teyla had the upper hand. Her sticks whipped out, and now it was Kolya who was bleeding. Another flash--another cut, parallel, bleeding--

"Hello," she said, clearly, coldly. "My name is Teyla Emmagen. You killed my father: prepare to die."

"Stop saying that," Kolya ordered, but Teyla only smiled and shook her head.

She drove for the Commander's left shoulder; she whipped the Commander's left arm. "Hello." She was the stronger now; she had the spirit of her father with her. "Hello! HELLO. MY NAME IS TEYLA EMMAGEN. YOU KILLED MY FATHER. PREPARE TO DIE!"

"No--"

"Offer me foodstuffs."

"Everything," the Commander said.

"And ZPMs--offer those to me as well."

"All that I have and more. Please."

"Offer me anything I ask for."

"Yes. Yes. Say it."

"I want my father back, you son of a bitch," and Teyla's sticks whirled again.

Kolya fell to the floor, his face ashen and blood-stained. His eyes were full of horror and pain. Teyla took no joy from that; she left Kolya lying on the floor. It was T-minus fifty seconds, and she did not know how much longer she could last...

* * *

"To the pain," John said, lying pleasantly in Cowen's chair. His P90 lay across him, and his fingers were loose on the trigger guard. The Minister stood across the room, his gun held high. "To the pain means that I shoot you in the right foot, and then the left. I shoot your hands off at the wrists, and then I graze a bullet across your skull. I use my knife to take your eyes--"

"And then my ears, yes, I understand, get on with it," Minister Cowen said.

"_No_. Your ears you keep, so that every time a kid cries at the sight of you, and every time a woman says "_What_ is that _thing_?" the words will stay with you forever in your perfect ears. _That_ is 'to the pain'."

"I think you're bluffing," Cowen said. "I saw what that Wraith did to you. You may look young, but you are already dead inside."

"That could be true," John said. "I might be sitting here because I'm not strong enough to stand." He glanced at Rodney, who'd only just heard about his death: Rodney's mouth was a thin, unhappy line, and his eyes were filled with pity and terror. "Or maybe," John said, "I'm strong enough after all."

And slowly, slowly, he began to stand up; and he levelled his P90, aiming it straight for Cowen's heart. "_Drop your gun_."

Cowen's gun clattered to the floor.

It was time-T. There was no nuclear explosion; but John's eyes rolled up in his head and he sagged to the floor. Cowen leaped for his gun, but John knocked it away and jammed his P90's barrel under Cowen's chin. "Now you're going to pay," he said. "To the pain!"

His eyes were open again. Open and blazing.

"I didn't--I meant nothing--"

"Tie him up, Rodney," John said. "Use the window sashes, they look strong enough."

"You'd probably do it better than me," Rodney said. "I'm not into bondage."

"For once in your life, Rodney, would you just do what I say and not argue?" John snapped.

Rodney's hands were already busy on the sashes. "Yessir. Of course, sir. Didn't realize I'd joined your block-headed military, sir."

Cowen lay flat while he did it. "We will still come after you," he said. "This is not over."

John just slumped in his chair. "Is he tied yet?"

"Sort of," Rodney said. "What's the difference between a sheepshank and a square knot again?"

There was a movement in the doorway and then Teyla burst into the room. She took one look at the situation and took over the job of tying up Cowen. "Where is Ronon?" she asked.

"I thought he was with you," John said.

Teyla leaned for a moment against the nearest wall, gathering her strength. "Help Colonel Sheppard up," she told Rodney.

"Why?"

"Because he was killed by a Wraith this morning, and he can barely stand," Teyla said.

"I knew it!" grunted Cowen from beneath her.

"I'm sorry," John said, "didn't mean to ruin all your explosion fun, today, really. I just needed my scientist back."

Rodney waved a dismissive hand. "It wasn't a working model, anyway," he said. "Didn't you read the sign?"

Cowen thrashed and raged, but they left him tied and wandered out into the village square. Once there, they found that an entire squad of marines had taken over, and at their head was Ronon Dex.

"Weren't you ordered to guard me?" John asked with some asperity.

"I thought that what needed to get done was more important," Ronon said. "So I went back through the Stargate and found these marines, and a puddlejumper."

"Ronon," said Teyla, with a smile, "you thought for yourself."

Ronon nodded. "Uh-huh."

"Then let's go," Rodney said. "I made some promises earlier that I'm particularly eager to keep," and he grinned crookedly at John.

John just raised an eyebrow. "All right then," he said. "Let's go." And as they were boarding the puddlejumper, he turned to Rodney. "All I can say is, I'm impressed," he said. "You were here for four months and you managed to stop yourself from building a working model of a nuclear bomb. It must have been torture to be that bad."

Rodney shrugged. "I've been working with incompetent graduate students for years, I think I've learned something about how to stall," he said. "Besides, I've figured out how to improve the naquadah generator outputs by forty-seven percent, I've refined my theory on ZPM power acquisition, I've got a whole new schematic for transporter crystal arrangements, so no, I didn't suffer." He looked at John. "You all right? I was pretty sure you were limping back there, it wasn't really your usual look-how-low-slung-my-pants-are mosey."

"I think I was dying again," John said. "But then I just asked the Ancestors to let me live out the day."

"Oh, right, _asked the Ancestors_," Rodney said, sliding into the co-pilot's seat. "I thought you lost her number."

"I passed the MENSA exam, you don't think I could remember a seven-symbol address? Besides, we kissed, she ascended, it's over," John said, spreading his hands over the puddlejumper's controls.

"I guess we're doomed, then," Rodney sighed in a very put-upon way.

John frowned at him. "Doomed?"

"To be together. Until one of us dies...gets sucked by a Wraith...is infected with a nanovirus...is attacked by a Wraith spider..."

"I've done those already, and I _don't_ intend to do them again," John said.

Rodney gave him his most affectionate 'you're a moron, but you're my moron' look. "That's logical," he said. "Except the part where, oops, it completely isn't."

"We'll just promise to outlive each other," John said, taking the puddlejumper up in the air as smoothly as if they weren't moving at all. "And take the bullet well, when it comes."

Rodney sighed and shook his head. "Oh, Colonel. The moon really is made of green cheese, and Kavanagh deserved his doctorate."

"I'll take that as a yes," John said, and he flew the jumper through the Stargate, and they were home.


End file.
